Hurricane? It Turns Out Bill Vessey Made The Whole Thing Up

Corpus Christi-  Texas coastal residents have been preparing this week for what appears to be the first hurricane to hit landfall since 2008.

Hurricane Harvey is expected to make landfall just north of Corpus Christi with winds of up to 105 mph. Or so it seems.

The Texas Beet uncovered this morning that Bill Vessey actually made the whole thing up.

Vessey, who actually has about 30 sheets of plywood in his garage that he's been trying to get rid of for months, thought of the perfect plan.

According to neighbors of Vessey, he has been rambling on and on to residents about plywood that he bought at Home Depot in late 2016 for a home remodel and never used. "He knocked on my door and said that he had plywood for $10 a sheet" One neighbor said. "I said I didn't want any, and he lowered the price to $5. I just shut the door"

Neighbors also said that he became obsessive about selling his unused wood. Even going so far as to have an entire yard sale of just plywood and Diet Dr. Pepper, to which nobody showed up for.

"That's when he devised the ultimate plan to get rid of it all." A source close to Vessey stated.
"Using his TV meteorologist magic, he made up Hurricane Harvey to scare the masses into buying his plywood."

And it worked according to residents of Vessey's street. With all the plywood gone by Wednesday morning, it seems as though Vessey finally got what he wanted.

" He even cut Maclovio Perez and Dale Nelson in on the deal if they went along with it. And they did!" The anonymous source stated.

The anonymous source also added "The world will find out about this conspiracy of Bill's. Even if it puts me on the Weatherman hit list."

Port Aransas Shark Head Closed

Port Aransas - For years the Big Shark Head has been a staple in Port Aransas tourism for years. However as of this week, it looks like Ol' Sharkey has closed his mouth.

According to officials, it seems as though a tourist left a ham sandwich in the Shark.

"He was just hungry this entire time" Said a local resident. "He didn't want to eat people, which is why he left them alone, but somebody accidentally left a sandwich in his mouth the other day, then it just closed".

Disappointed tourist are having to settle with taking a picture in the giant beaver mouth down the street.

"We have no idea what a beaver has to do with Port Aransas, but I guess this is the next best thing." a tourist added.


No word yet on if the shark was satisfied with his meal or if he will open his mouth once again for the people.

Beeville Water Boil Extended Until 2032

Beeville - According to city officials, the Beeville water boil has been extended until the year 2032.

"We are looking to wait for new technology to fix our water problem, and it looks like it hasn't been invented yet, so we must wait." a city official remarked. " Until then, don't drink the water, don't use the water. Don't even look at the damn water."

The original water boil was issued for the community last week after residents spotted what appeared to be a mutated chihuahua running around a local neighborhood, and reports of people stepping out of their shower and finding extra limbs were they obviously shouldn't be.

Long time Beeville resident, Old Man Nicholson isn't bothered by the boil. "I've been drinking the water in town for years" Nicholson scoffed. "I also smoke 3 packs of Marlboros a day, and eat nothing but  hamburger meat, and I've never felt better."

Nicholson died 30 seconds after his interview with us.

The Texas Beet will stay on top of this story as it unfolds.

August Cold Front To Sweep Coastal Bend

Corpus Christi - It looks as though a huge cold front is about to hit the Gulf Coast as early as next week.

According to the National Weather Service, an area of low pressure is the cause of this shockingly early cold front, unheard of in the month of August.

Temperatures will drop as low as 40 degrees in certain parts of the Coastal Bend and will reach below freezing in the Texas Panhandle.

The Texas Beet weather consultant James Varney says that although temperatures will reach almost freezing next week, the heat index will still be up around 115 degrees. So don't break out your coats just yet. In fact, you might as well just donate them to the Canadians, who have to deal with real cold weather all the time.

Varney added "South Texas will always be the hottest bitch next to Africa".

Quintanilla Owes $127 in late Blockbuster Fees

Quintanilla

Corpus Christi – Tejano music fans across Texas may have been shocked to find Selena Quintanilla's brother on the Nueces County Sheriff's Office most wanted list, but that's not the only list the fallen Tejano star has made.

According to Phil Rezendo, former assistant manager of a Blockbuster Video in Corpus Christi, Quintanilla owes $127 dollars in late fees dating back to 1997. Rezendo says that movies such as “Ernest Goes To Jail” and “Speed 2: Cruise Control” were returned months late and were not re-winded properly. 

“Blockbuster Video may be closed” Rezendo said, “But that doesn't mean we forgot”.

This is just the latest in a long string of allegations coming out against Quintanilla since news broke of his child support troubles. Other allegations include Whataburger filing suit against him over a stolen number tent, and Taqueria Jalisco's accusations of a $550 dollar unpaid carne guisada taco tab.

Quintanillla's camp refuse to comment on the accusations.